scammers are idiots

The National Do Not Call List

Apparently is now defunct and does not work ... nice try, US government.

You have to wonder about telemarkerters, don't you? Who applies for a job like this? What does the job description say? Probably something like this: "Minimum wage. People wanted who can't get work anywhere else. Must have the ability to take hours of verbal abuse and must enjoy annoying people."

Sounds like a perfect job for me ... ahhh ... if only the pay were better :-)

We just recently learned that some of the major "telemarketing phone banks" are being run from prisons. Bet it beats the hell out of more servile work, not to mention other things. So here's what we do when we get a "phone bank" call.

Option 1) We put the telemarketer on hold. Then we pick up that line as if someone else was waiting for us to get back to them and say "Sorry Ralph, I've got some idiot telemarketer on the other line. She'll probably hold for hours because it beats the hell out of banging out license plates or scrubbing Bubba's back in Cell Block 2".

Option 2) We get a telemarketer on the line. We say: "Are you a prisoner? If you are, you have to disclose it. Why on earth would I want to do business with someone who's already in jail? What are you in jail for?"

Option 3) If he or she says NO! I'm not a prisoner! We then ask if he or she is a member of a cult. We've also heard that people with many, many spouses have set up phone banks. Marry me for money? Those words are lost on the average idiot. They say yes.

If you can tell us about ways you've annoyedthehell out of telemarketers ... tell us. I figure if we band together, we can make it so nobody, not even prisoners, want to call us ...

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Hints from our readers appear below:

And here's from Norm who is not an idiot. He says the second mouse gets the cheese. Smart ... "Several years ago when the telemarketers for magazines were prolific, I had a call from one and said I was interested and couldn't talk now so I would like to call them back. They gave me their number. Later I called and found the manager's name was Dave. Then whenever anyone called me, I told them to call me in about an hour and ask for Dave which was the name I used there. I hope Dave got a lot of calls!"

A fun tip from Bob Johnson:
Have you ever gotten a telemarketer who immediately launches into this huge, rehearsed pitch? Instead of cutting him off/hanging up, let the poor bastard tell it all. Then hmmmmm and say, "Gee, that sounds really great! Actually, you know what, I don't actually live here, but let me get my friend Jim and you can tell him all about it!" Put someone else on and let the telemarketer repeat the whole thing again. Have Jim get his brother/father/son/sister/somebody else, and keep on repeating.

Here's a good one from Timothy W:
A really good and incredibly fun way to annoy those pesky telemarketers is.
you: Hello?
Telemarketer:hi is so and so there?
A at this point just start saying the word cactus say it in different tones of voice like inquisitively then angrily, its really fun. Once my brother had a conversation that went on like so:
bro:hello?
tele:hi is blah blah blah there?\
bro:CACTUS!!!
tele:excuse me ?
bro cactus...
tele: can I help you sir?
bro cactus?
tele:ya know they have medication for that now sir. Then they hung up it was soooooooo funny

One that works great from Keith C:
Telemarketer: Hi is Mr. So and so there?
Me: I’m sorry he’s in a meeting right now would you like to make an appointment?
Telemarketer: (usually they say no but sometimes not) Yes how about (insert whatever time)
Me: That will be just fine, may I have your credit card number?
Telemarketer: No, what for? (usually somewhat distressed)
Me: Well Mr. So and so’s time is very valuable and I must charge you for it, would you like to cancel you appointment in stead?
Telemarketer: Yes
Me: Ok that will be $50 may I have your credit card number please?
They usually hang up at this point
This does work great ... we tried it!

Here's from FirstChickOnMars: 1) you answer the phone and sound like you are intrested then you say hold on someone is at the door
2)put down phone and say "Hey Mike, what are you doing here? I thought I told you I never want to see you again" (make sure you say it loud it enough so the telemarkter can hear then)
say "Mike what is that... Mike put down the knife... this is crazy do you know what you are doing.... no.....
3)then just hang up and see what happens
Webmaster's note: We know what will happen. Nothing. Telemarkerters will just forget about your pain and dial the next number. They're total idiots, remember? You think they'd call 911? Ha! If they're stupid enough to do that, have the police arrest them for filing a false report .... :-)

Here's two ways I annoy telemarketers from Tasha;
1) me: "hello?"
telemarketer: "hello, i'm blah blah from the blah blah blah company...." (they yack on for hours)
me: "uhhh....no habla ingles, perdon!"
telemarketer: "oh...blah blah blah" (in spanish)
me: "no habla espanol! perdon! adios!" ***click***
2) me: "hello?"
telemarketer: "hello, i'm blah blah from the blah blah blah company...." (they yack on for hours)
me: (in a chinese accent) can i take or oda? (can i take your order)
telemarketer: (if they're still on the line) "excuse me?"
me: "you call chinese-house-of-chicken-chimmychanga to place oda, now place oda please" (said really fast)
~and just have fun after that and use your imagination~

This one hales from Attack Banana: 1. They usually fly right into a long-winded explanation of their product, so let them talk for a bit then start speaking in a foreign language (if you know one...if you don't make one up). 2. Keep an airhorn next to the phone...use it at the first sign of annoyance. If they stay on the line after having their ear blasted, tell them to give themselves a pat on the back for determination...then hang up. 3. Take a tape recorder and record one of your operator's error messages: "You must first dial a 0 or 1, please hang up and try again." ... "The number you have dialed is out of service" or some such message. When a telemarketer calls, play this message into your phone then see how long it takes them to hang up. Or just record your own message in a robotic voice and play that.

Webmaster's note: Now, we like those suggestions. If anyone knows where to purchase a device which makes a highly offensive sound which transmits only into the receiver, not affecting the victim of the call, do let us know. Something like fingernails on a blackboard would be nice.

Here's from the Digital Diva: To discourage a telemarketer from calling my house again.......When they ask for "Mr. or Mrs. so-and-so," I put my little sister on the phone and have her sing. Or, another thing you can do is to act extremely sad and depressed and cry "I'm sorry, they've just passed away, you cruel heartless, BASTARD!"

Here's from Alex D: When they answer tell them: “you know this is not really a good time… can I have your home phone number so I can get back to you later”
Now naturally they will say no (if they don’t, quick hang up) but if they say no you say: “what??!! You don’t like people you don’t know calling you up and annoying the hell out of you while your at home! WHELL NIETHER DO I !!!!”

Here's from SpongeBob: "If you get called you should talk to them tell them you need a friend. Tell them how your depressed and thinking about suicide. Or ask if they have famous people seling their long distance because you only buy stuff that Terry Bradshaw or John Stamos sells"

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