Things Idiots Ponder .......

brought to you by ...

If lawyers can be disbarred, can cowboys be deranged?

Why oh why are there Braille letters on drive up ATM machines?

Single women complain that all good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?

Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?

All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"

Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors. What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!" I think not.

"Is it true that you smoke eight to ten cigars a day?"
"That's true."
"Is it true that you drink five martinis a day?"
"That's true."
"Is it true that you still surround yourself with beautiful young women?"
"That's true."
"What does your doctor say about all of this?"
"My doctor is dead."
George Burns (1896-1996)

Why is Pfizer trying to decrease the amount of time it takes for Viagra to work? Because men don't like one of the side effects: Foreplay.

Why do our kids have to take the Iowa Test for Basic Skills? Why can't we have a Georgia Test of Basic Skills with questions like, "Bubba's got three cars and he done traded for two more. How many cement blocks is Bubba gonna need?"

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

 

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?  

 

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?  

 

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Courtesy of Bob Bottom ... an Idiot and a Regular Visitor .... Thanks Bob!

 and here's more - Courtesy of Clyde Phillips - another fun idiot. Thanks Clyde!

Only in America ... will a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in America ... do we have handicapped parking spaces in front of the skating rink.

Only in America .... do banks have their doors wide open but the pens bolted to a desk.

Only in America .... are expensive cars left in the driveway and worthless junk in the garage.

Only in America ... do we have an answering machine to screen calls and caller ID to ensure we don't miss calls from people we don't want to speak with to begin with.

Only in America ... can a homeless veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger in the White House.

Only in America ... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so accurately, "poli" from Latin, meaning many and "tics" being bloodsucking creatures.

J - and from my friend Jared (remember, complain to him if you don't like his stuff - jared@americaworks.net )

Why are things transferred by a car called shipment, while things transferred by a ship called cargo?

Home