Idiot Training 102
The second in a series of instructions on how to be an idiot.
OK Fledgeling Idiots, it's time for some serious training now. We're going to give you some specific idiotic techniques to practice. Do NOT move on to Idiot Training 201 until you have mastered each and every one of these techniques. NO CHEATING.1. Sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Observe carefully to see if they slow down. This works particularly well if you've got a white car and maybe a motorcycle helmet. If they do slow down, give them one of your perfected idiotic stares. Nobody home.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice. If you don't have an intercom where you work, go to the local grocery store or mall and ask to have yourself paged. Then, walk up to the same clerk and say: "You paged me?".
3. Find out where your boss or most hated professor shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss or professor does. This is especially effective if the subject is the opposite gender.
4. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. If you're a student and don't have a cubicle, take the mosquito netting with you to class. Drape it over yourself as soon as you sit down.
5. Change your e-mail address to xena_goddess_of_fire@bigfoot.com or Elvis_the_King@bigfoot.com. If they're already taken, use your new found idiotic imagination.... or try hotmail, yahoo, i-name ... Uhhh .. sorry, but idiots@americaworks.net is taken.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
7. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
8. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. Or maybe fruit. My favorite idiot of all times actually is afraid of fruit. No kidding.
9. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'. Especially effective with tax or tuition payments.
10. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think." Midstream, change it to "That's what I think". Or maybe "I didn't think that."
11. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
12. dont use any punctuation and never capitalize i
13. Skip rather than walk. If you're healthy and able, an occasional cartwheel is in order, always accompanied by "Rah! Rah!".
14. Ask people what sex they are.
15. On any form that has a blank for sex, put "yes" or "no".
16. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to eat in'.
17. Sing along at the opera. If there isn't an opera near you, sing along with the soloist at Church next Sunday.
18. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme. If there isn't a poetry recital near you, visit a computer club and rave about MSIE 3.0.
19. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. Or .. if you're really gutsy ... tell them you can't attend because JohnEddieMarkie isn't in the mood to accompany you.
OK Fledgeling Idiots, how did you do? Ready for Idiot Training 201? Click Here.