We get a lot of
mail from folks saying things like this: "I really WANT to enter
your contest, but I can't figure out how to be a good enough idiot.
Please help me."
With the proper
training and a little practice, anyone can be an idiot. We're going
to try to save you weeks and months of frustration and perhaps even
the expense involved in hiring a professional idiot to tutor you. Of
course, if money is no object, you could visit our sponsor and buy yourself
all kinds of neat stuff with the money you will save.
A passing grade
for Idiot Training 101 is D-. If you get a score that is any higher,
you flunk and have to start all over again. No cheating. Here are your
1. Stand in front
of the mirror and learn to make your face completely expressionless.
Blank stare. Nothing. Nobody home. Cock your head to the right or left
for effect. If you laugh while doing this, you haven't mastered the
art, so keep trying. Once you can do this with a completely straight
face and no snickering, proceed to assignment #2.
2. Find at least
three idiots to observe. This part is pretty easy. You need only to
venture out onto the Freeway at 6 PM and you will find plenty of them.
Now .. here's the hard part of Assignment #2. When the idiot in the
vehicle next to you (yes idiot, you're supposed to venture out onto
the Freeway IN A CAR!) pulls up next to you and yells obscenities, do
NOT yell back or tender the single finger salute. Instead, you give
them one of your perfected idiotic stares. Completely expressionless.
Nobody home. Got it? Did you manage that three times? OK then, proceed
to Assignment #3.
3. Find the carefully
hidden link to Idiot Training 102. We didn't promise to make you stupid
and dense. We just promised to teach you how to be an idiot. That's
different. If you can't find the link ... uh oh ... hire that professional
Oh yeah .. and before
you go on to Idiot Training 102, click here
for your score. If it's higher than D- you fail and have to start all
over again! NO CHEATING!