Idiot Training 101

The first in a series of instructions on how to be an idiot.

We get a lot of mail from folks saying things like this: "I really WANT to enter your contest, but I can't figure out how to be a good enough idiot. Please help me."

With the proper training and a little practice, anyone can be an idiot. We're going to try to save you weeks and months of frustration and perhaps even the expense involved in hiring a professional idiot to tutor you. Of course, if money is no object, you could visit our sponsor and buy yourself all kinds of neat stuff with the money you will save.

I digress ... anyway ....

Warning!

Do not proceed to Idiot Training 102 until you have passed Idiot Training 101!

A passing grade for Idiot Training 101 is D-. If you get a score that is any higher, you flunk and have to start all over again. No cheating. Here are your assignments:

1. Stand in front of the mirror and learn to make your face completely expressionless. Blank stare. Nothing. Nobody home. Cock your head to the right or left for effect. If you laugh while doing this, you haven't mastered the art, so keep trying. Once you can do this with a completely straight face and no snickering, proceed to assignment #2.

2. Find at least three idiots to observe. This part is pretty easy. You need only to venture out onto the Freeway at 6 PM and you will find plenty of them. Now .. here's the hard part of Assignment #2. When the idiot in the vehicle next to you (yes idiot, you're supposed to venture out onto the Freeway IN A CAR!) pulls up next to you and yells obscenities, do NOT yell back or tender the single finger salute. Instead, you give them one of your perfected idiotic stares. Completely expressionless. Nobody home. Got it? Did you manage that three times? OK then, proceed to Assignment #3.

3. Find the carefully hidden link to Idiot Training 102. We didn't promise to make you stupid and dense. We just promised to teach you how to be an idiot. That's different. If you can't find the link ... uh oh ... hire that professional idiot tutor.

Oh yeah .. and before you go on to Idiot Training 102, click here for your score. If it's higher than D- you fail and have to start all over again! NO CHEATING!

 

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